A week ago, my father sent me a giant bouquet of red and yellow tulips to congratulate me on closing The Irish... They're wilting now, decaying at an accelerating pace. I know I'll have to throw them away tomorrow. I want to hang on to them as long as possible, cherishing the memory of walking into the dressing room at the theater and seeing them displayed at my seat in all their sunny, optimistic glory.It's 4pm and I should be getting ready for work. Instead, I'm sitting at the kitchen table, staring at my dying tulips and thinking. I'm thinking my way through what I'm feeling. Forgive me for this second self-indulgent post in a row, but I'm going through some complications right now and I'm trying to work them out.
I don't understand men. I don't understand their behavior. They'll work so hard to win us over, and then the minute they have us they lose interest. Every single romantic entanglement I've had (with two exceptions) have ended by the guy losing interest. Time and again I've consoled myself by realizing that they clearly didn't care enough for me to begin with. It's like I told Alee last night, we all know that when you truly care for someone, it doesn't go away. You don't wake up one day and stop caring. Even if you stop seeing or talking to them, you'll always care. The only boy I've ever truly loved and who has ever truly loved me is still in my life long after we've stepped off the roller coaster. So there.
Is it the thrill of the chase? Is that what happens? When they win us over too easily, do they lose interest? I don't think of myself as being someone who is easily won. I need honesty and kindness and compassion to be won, and these things are scarce in the dating game. Honesty, kindness, and compassion always fuck me up. When someone tries to take care of me, although I resist initially, I'm lost. Compassion makes me trust you. How can you be compassionate at first and then pull away?
I'll never understand how men can tell you that they're feeling things they're not sure they feel. How it takes them so long to figure out what's going on with them. You can see it in their eyes, the wheels turning, trying to figure out what they want, fighting their own vulnerability. Women aren't more vulnerable than men--they're just more honest about their feelings, and less frightened of them.
I know what it's like to be afraid of committment. I used to be terrified of being let down, and even more terrified of letting others down. In the aforementioned two exceptions to a guy losing interest, I was the one pulling away. I've pulled away when things got hard in my own life and I didn't have anything to give the other person in return. I've pulled away when I've been scard of how deeply the other person felt about me, or how deeply I felt about them. I've pulled away when I just didn't want to deal...when there seemed to be too much at stake. I've been selfish. I've hurt people with my selfishness, and I've regretted it deeply. And in one case, I've worked hard to make amends.
It's too easy to look out at the world and all the people in it and feel isolated. Isolation from others makes us so desperate for a real connection that the minute it comes around, we're so quick to jump it and hold on for dear life. Even when a connection is fuzzy, we try to convince ourselves that it's clear because having something faulty seems better than having nothing at all.
I often feel isolated but I never feel alone. I have a strong, loving, expansive family who supports me all the time. I have a rich, full emotional life that I'm not ashamed of. I'm in touch with who I am and what I want. I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm so fortunate to have more love and support than many lonely people have.
I don't need this crap.
I don't need these games, this uncertanity. I don't have time for fear and baggage. I don't need to settle for being anyone's temporary girl, to be used for comfort and security at someone else's convenience then pushed away the moment the flame gets too hot for them to bear. My feelings run rich and deep and I'll share them with anyone in a heartbeat. They're my treasures, and if they frighten you then I'll find someone else to share them with, someone who appreciates them, someone who is open to learning from them. I don't need anything from anyone that I don't already have. I'm proud of who I am and I'm not looking for anyone else to define me. All I want is to have experiences that help me learn and grow as a person. My only expectation is that I be treated with respect at all times. I deserve honesty and trust. And if that is too scary for anyone else to bear, then, alas, it may be time to move on to the next adventure.
Tomorrow I will throw the tulips away. On Monday, I will trek through the Greenmarket and buy myself a new bouquet of something fresh and springy and cheerful to brighten up my little apartment. Maybe daffodils. Or hibiscus.
It's spring, and I'm growing.
How lovely!
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