I had grand ambitions of getting up at nine this morning and running many productive errands before the matinee. Instead I stayed in bed until eleven creating this blog, then showered, polished off the rest of last night's pint of low-fat Ben and Jerry's Half Baked, and put in a disc of Sex and the City while doing my makeup. I do have to work later... I have two performances of "The Irish...and How They Got That Way".
Does my life sound fabulous or what?
Truthfully, four months ago this was my daydream. To get paid to perform, and have nothing to do all day but read books, watch movies, bask in the early summer sun and have lunch dates with friends. After three months, however, it's become kind of routine (hence the need to switch to low-fat.) I am so thankful for having had this experience, however I couldn't be more excited to move back to New York after the show closes tomorrow.
And I couldn't be in a better state, personally: I've got a good base tan, my skin is clearing up, I'm well-rested and my voice is in fantastic shape from belting eight show a week for nine weeks. And I owe it all to Philadelphia, the Walnut Street Theatre, and the three dear boys who have kindly lent me the roof over their heads.
I feel calm, cool, collected... I couldn't be more ready to take a second run at the Big Apple.
I have very different relationships with Philadelphia and New York. They are truly the two big relationships in my life. And like competing romantic relationships, each gives me things the other can't.
Philadelphia is like home, the home I created for myself and then outgrew. It's reliable, safe, predictable...it's everything a good, healthy boyfriend ought to be. We had some great times over the past five years. I grew up in Philadelphia. I had my first apartment, I learned how to take care of myself, I lost my virginity in Philadelphia. I earned my BFA. I became my own person. And I planned on staying as long as it felt right.
Philadelphia didn't do anything wrong. Our relationship grew stale. It just couldn't give me what I needed anymore. We want different things in life. Philadelphia wants to settle down, get married, start a cool, urban hipster family. And I definitely entertained the possibility for a moment...what if I married Philadelphia? It seemed like he was this close to popping the question...
But ultimately, the minute you begin to question whether or not a relationship is right, isn't that a sign that it isn't?
Which brings me to New York City. Land of sex and opportunity. New York is fuckin' hot. New York is that guy you know is too good for you...or rather you know he thinks he's too good for you. He's sexy. He's wealthy and successful and has great hair. He knows he can get any woman he wants. What would he see in me, this little girl from suburban So-Cal, who desperately wants to become a worldy, sophisticated urban woman? Would he prey on my naivete, devour me and then spit out my remains? Would he even give me a second look?
After moving to New York the first time I learned a lot about the nature of the city very quickly. Anything truly is possible in New York. You never know who is going to start talking to you on the subway, who you'll wait on at your restaurant and what opportunities might land in front of you as you walk down the crowded street. It's totally overwhelming. But the thing is, if you can keep up, the city embraces you, without you even knowing it. You become a part of the crowd, integral and yet insignificant at the same time. Just as anything can happen to you, you can happen to anything as well. Living in New York automatically makes you more desirable to others who are outside the city, and makes you an equal of those who are inside. The minute you start to settle into New York, Philly wants you back.
And Philly made a good effort to win me back. It offered me security, my Equity card, a fabulous creative opportunity with fabulously fun people, and the possibility of career advancement...in Philadelphia. I bit...for a while. But after three months, I've started to itch for New York again.
New York challenges me in a way that Philly can't. It fights with me, batters me around, argues with me violently...and I can't get enough of it. It's kind of an S&M relationship. I love how hard it is on me, and I know that the payoff when I make it through will be so much more rewarding. I have to chase after New York, even as it jerks me around, because I know that no other city will ever challenge me in this way. Success is everywhere in New York, it permeates your consciousness every minute, it makes you salivate with longing. New York rouses my ever-dormant sense of competition, it forces me to run faster and faster to keep up, while always staying just out of my reach.
We all go through this phase in our personal lives. Sure you can stay home and marry your high school sweetheart. He sure does love you a lot. But will you ever know who you could have ended up with? Who you could have ended up being?
I want status. I want success. I want New York.
No hard feelings, Philly. I'll always care deeply for you. I may even run back for a quickie now and then, when my ego is bruised and in need of a little R&R. I'm sorry if I jerk you around in the future... I may be the type of girl who manipulates all her relationships into being dysfunctional.
Maybe this is why I'm still single.
Does my life sound fabulous or what?
Truthfully, four months ago this was my daydream. To get paid to perform, and have nothing to do all day but read books, watch movies, bask in the early summer sun and have lunch dates with friends. After three months, however, it's become kind of routine (hence the need to switch to low-fat.) I am so thankful for having had this experience, however I couldn't be more excited to move back to New York after the show closes tomorrow.
And I couldn't be in a better state, personally: I've got a good base tan, my skin is clearing up, I'm well-rested and my voice is in fantastic shape from belting eight show a week for nine weeks. And I owe it all to Philadelphia, the Walnut Street Theatre, and the three dear boys who have kindly lent me the roof over their heads.
I feel calm, cool, collected... I couldn't be more ready to take a second run at the Big Apple.
I have very different relationships with Philadelphia and New York. They are truly the two big relationships in my life. And like competing romantic relationships, each gives me things the other can't.
Philadelphia is like home, the home I created for myself and then outgrew. It's reliable, safe, predictable...it's everything a good, healthy boyfriend ought to be. We had some great times over the past five years. I grew up in Philadelphia. I had my first apartment, I learned how to take care of myself, I lost my virginity in Philadelphia. I earned my BFA. I became my own person. And I planned on staying as long as it felt right.
Philadelphia didn't do anything wrong. Our relationship grew stale. It just couldn't give me what I needed anymore. We want different things in life. Philadelphia wants to settle down, get married, start a cool, urban hipster family. And I definitely entertained the possibility for a moment...what if I married Philadelphia? It seemed like he was this close to popping the question...
But ultimately, the minute you begin to question whether or not a relationship is right, isn't that a sign that it isn't?
Which brings me to New York City. Land of sex and opportunity. New York is fuckin' hot. New York is that guy you know is too good for you...or rather you know he thinks he's too good for you. He's sexy. He's wealthy and successful and has great hair. He knows he can get any woman he wants. What would he see in me, this little girl from suburban So-Cal, who desperately wants to become a worldy, sophisticated urban woman? Would he prey on my naivete, devour me and then spit out my remains? Would he even give me a second look?
After moving to New York the first time I learned a lot about the nature of the city very quickly. Anything truly is possible in New York. You never know who is going to start talking to you on the subway, who you'll wait on at your restaurant and what opportunities might land in front of you as you walk down the crowded street. It's totally overwhelming. But the thing is, if you can keep up, the city embraces you, without you even knowing it. You become a part of the crowd, integral and yet insignificant at the same time. Just as anything can happen to you, you can happen to anything as well. Living in New York automatically makes you more desirable to others who are outside the city, and makes you an equal of those who are inside. The minute you start to settle into New York, Philly wants you back.
And Philly made a good effort to win me back. It offered me security, my Equity card, a fabulous creative opportunity with fabulously fun people, and the possibility of career advancement...in Philadelphia. I bit...for a while. But after three months, I've started to itch for New York again.
New York challenges me in a way that Philly can't. It fights with me, batters me around, argues with me violently...and I can't get enough of it. It's kind of an S&M relationship. I love how hard it is on me, and I know that the payoff when I make it through will be so much more rewarding. I have to chase after New York, even as it jerks me around, because I know that no other city will ever challenge me in this way. Success is everywhere in New York, it permeates your consciousness every minute, it makes you salivate with longing. New York rouses my ever-dormant sense of competition, it forces me to run faster and faster to keep up, while always staying just out of my reach.
We all go through this phase in our personal lives. Sure you can stay home and marry your high school sweetheart. He sure does love you a lot. But will you ever know who you could have ended up with? Who you could have ended up being?
I want status. I want success. I want New York.
No hard feelings, Philly. I'll always care deeply for you. I may even run back for a quickie now and then, when my ego is bruised and in need of a little R&R. I'm sorry if I jerk you around in the future... I may be the type of girl who manipulates all her relationships into being dysfunctional.
Maybe this is why I'm still single.
